Any integrity I had is now lost. I don't even know what the hell this post IS.

This is the kind of disgustingly choreographed goodness I subjected myself to.

I'm not one of those people who makes a big deal of shunning anything and everything that might appeal to girls around age 13. Mostly. Well, Miley Cyrus is one of my most hated people on this planet next to oh, I don't know, bin Laden, and I want to jab her eyes out every time I see her face and put duct tape over that stupid mouth so I can't hear her grating voice. But aside from that, every now and then I just enjoy some brainless, sugary, high-calorie bubblegum fun that I can laugh at and kind of make fun of with my sister but I know we both secretly kind of liked it in a really oblique way.

Yes, I am admitting it, I watched Camp Rock on Disney on Friday. And I may or may not have watched it again on ABC last night. Possibly. And it was so train-wrecky awesome and Disney-fied that I couldn't help smiling. Possibly because it was so formulaic that I kept guessing exactly what was going to happen and turned out being right. For example, as soon as the character of Caitlin was introduced, I guessed, "She's going to be Mitchie's friend, but then she's going to be ditched for Tess and then Mitchie will realize it's stupid and they'll be friends again." And I was TOTALLY right.

By
"OMG! Bitch! Let's suck at acting and let Disney put us through the star-processor as we sell our souls, kay?"

It was also funny how unashamed Disney was in objectifying poor Joe. From the a-bit-too-long-to-be-accidental butt shots to the ridiculously placed "let's have Joe emerging shirtless from a lake, a scene that could have TOTALLY been erased, but let's get the little girls screaming!" it was all kind of crazy. Especially the shirtless thing. I could hear the 13 year olds across amazing squealing. But I'm not going to lie. That was a pretty hot shot.

Watching Joe Jonas try to portray any emotion other than the easy cocky rock star thing was kind of hard to watch, but sadly, as I was watching, I kind myself going, "Hm. He's kind of hot. NO! SELF! NO LIKING THE JONAS BROTHERS! NO! BAD!" But fuck it, I can't help it. He's hot. And when the Jonas Brothers performed "Play My Music," I unwillingly found myself going, "Dude. Nick's really sexy. Like REALLY sexy. I love his clothes. I love how low he holds his guitar. I love... NO! STOP! ENOUGH!" But after I watched the movie, I went to my computer and looked up interviews with them on youtube, the only website to which I would sell my soul, and they're actually kind of awesome. Oh God. Did I just say that? But they are. Except Kevin. Kevin is just disgusting. They're articulate, funny, polite, and they dress really really well. Except Kevin. But let's just ignore him from now on. Sorry Kevin, you're out of the band for not being pretty enough. (Oh, for the record, the three interviews were they've been on Ellen are really enjoyable. Unless you have some integrity left, then I'd understand how you'd be finding this whole post absolutely ridiculous.)

But let's just explore the whole situation. I HATE the whole fanbase of this "band". Is it even a band? Well, they write their own songs and play their own instruments, so yes, I guess. But you know if one them had welts on his face or they were ugly, they'd still be regular guys from New Jersey. Sad, but true. Their music is purely, PURELY, bubblegum pop. In fact, I was wondering how they deal with it all... all the screaming, nay, SCREECHING girls, the product placement, the whole "Disney" thing, supporting Miley Cyrus on tour... I mean, that in itself is enough to make anyone want to, oh, I don't know, DIE. Kevin is 20, I think, and Joe is 18, how do they POSSIBLY deal with this tween obsession with them? Any time they appear on talk shows, the screeches are literally embarrassing to watch, and whenever they say something "cute" and all the stupid girls so "Awwwwwww!" I literally have to cover my eyes, it's just too sad. Youtube comments are just hilarious, aren't they? One time when they were on Ellen, this one girl won a chance to travel on a plane with them, and she was really excited or whatever, but she wasn't CRYING, which I found noble of her, and all the people in the comments were like, "Bitch! She's not even excited!" Whoaaa. LAY OFF. Just because she's handling it sanely and not FAINTING like YOU would...

But yeah, by principle alone, I should hate the Jonas Brothers with every fiber of my being. But I can't. Why? Because they (remember, this is totally excluding Kevin, because he's just gross) are just too damn pretty. And they dress really well AND they're straight. And I will NEVER, EVER, be one of those people who are all, "Mrs. Joe Jonas!" I mean, that's just sad. But how many straight guys dress that well? Joe wears saddle shoes, you know, the 50s style one, for Christsake, which I should find absolutely disgusting, but is actually kind of awesome. They wear suits and skin-tight pants a lot, which is just fine with me, and Nick wears a lot of Chucks, which is basically my soul is a shoe, so we are obviously... SOLE mates. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Yes, I DID just go there. I just made that ridiculous pun. Bah-zing!

Except for these white pants that were in "Camp Rock." Normally the pair miraculously manage to make white pants look good, but these ones just make Joe's stubby legs look extra stubby.



HAHAHA that scene was awful. He just walks in and starts doing this dance, and everyone someone picks up on it IMMEDIATELY. god, I tell you. It's amazing.



This is them on Ellen. She gave Joe a helmet because I guess he falls down alot. I like his pants....

I dig a man in Ray-Bans. And a tie.




I still can't believe I am actually writing a post involving the Jonas Brothers. Wow. WOW.

Whoa, just came across an article with the title, "Jonas Brothers: 'We are all virgins.'" I already knew about the whole purity ring thing, but isn't that kind of... blatant? I mean, way to just... put it out there, guys. It actually made me kind of uncomfortable to read that title. Just like when watching the screeching girls. In fact, everything involving the Jonas Brothers makes me kind of uncomfortable, probably because I know I shouldn't be attracted to them.

I'm sorry, this post is so completely unstream-lined, and it kind of sucks. I need to work on my editing skills. Or just my life skills in general...



They're all very skinny, which I love (does that sound bad? I'm sorry, I just prefer skinny guys...). And that all-black thing is REALLY good. Like, REALLY.

I already mentioned Nick and the shoes, but he is a REALLY good dresser. And the fact that's he's actually YOUNGER than me makes me 1) feel a little skeeved out; 2) feel inadequate because I've done nothing with my life and here he is making music (however crappy 99% of that music may be) and touring the world.

During "Camp Rock" there was this scene where the brothers came on to perform as a different band, but, whatever. The song was called "Play My Music" and it was such high-octane pop that I found my self, horrifically, smiling. And it was fun to watch Joe try really hard to be a rock star. I will admit to downloading the song and rocking out it several times a day. Sue me for not wanting to listen to philosophical Bright Eyes ALL the time, ok? And while Joe is a bit effeminate and has a really girly voice, I oddly don't mind. And it was REALLY fun to watch Nick be sexy. And where great clothes. I'm a total sucker for any guy in a plaid button down. Except truckers and lumberjacks. Sorry. But any other guy.




Along with being a sucker for plaid-sporting men (kilts, however, do not count), and non-emo guys who wear Chucks, I am also a sucker for musicians and curly hair. All four things fuse into Nick Jonas. Do you see how I am left without a choice? I am powerless to this attraction.



I don't know/ care who the woman in the middle is... and what is up with that hat... but the coats on the other two are great.



Nick, please just shave your head or get some major scars on your face or something, because this attraction is embarrassing me.



Perhaps this is Nick getting in touch with his "Disco self" but I, surprise!, love how he's dressed.




And, just to objectify the poor boy even farther, I'd like to point out that he has REALLY nice arms.




Ok, this post has to end. or it's just going to get even MORE out of hand.

Did anyone else indulge in this poppy train wreck known as "Camp Rock"? If not, and you're not afraid to act like a little kid and smile at really stupid stuff, it's on tonight, ABC Family. Any does anyone else find Nick and Jonas oddly sexy, against your better judgement? If so, LET ME KNOW. i need to know I'm not completely insane. Or at least, I'm not alone in my insanity.


Sorry for this. I'm going to go hide in my room now and listen to some Sufjan Stevens to regain my "indie cred." Just kidding! I do love Sufjan, but I don't give a shit about my indie cred. If I did, I certainly wouldn't have conceived this post.


as dorky as ever,
a.